Please Be Gentle

I was reading some blogs this afternoon, trying to regain some sanity and I found this blog, and wow did it speak to me.


"I will never forget the day when my child completely destroyed the house (like she did almost daily sometimes in our first two years together), but on this day, one of the things she threw was a snow globe that I knew I should have long put away.  It was important to me though, and I just couldn't box it up.  There it was shattered on the floor - glitter, liquid, and mini shards of glass everywhere.  I sat slumped in a corner of my living room.  I didn't cry.  I was too spent to cry.  I looked around at my house and could not believe how I had become accustomed to living.  I felt very, very alone.  I don't remember how it unfolded exactly - if I called one of my friends or if they called me or maybe they just showed up.  What I do remember is sitting there on the floor feeling awful when two of my closest friends came in the door carrying groceries for me.  Their kindness overwhelmed me, and I didn't even know what to say.  I had not lost my friends.

I was so embarrassed to have them in my house right then though - for them to see the level of destruction and aggression that had become my norm..................................


.....................We protect ourselves due to shame, and it stops us from being vulnerable.  Yet, it's vulnerability that brings us closer to one another.  It deepens our relationships and lessens our shame when we are accepted, understood, and treated with care.  I don't know about you, but vulnerability, when the other reaches back to us with kindness, is one of those things that gives me goosebumps!  It is worth it!"

It's true, it is super hard for me to crack open the reality of our lives and how not perfect things really are, partly because my shattered dreams are hard for me to embrace.  Anyway, her blog  led me to another blog and a post called We Must See Past What It Seems.
Here is just a tiny snippet,

"I had faith that someday he would recover….but man oh man it was lonely…I wished every single day that I could just walk around with a sign like this….

….because on the outside…I looked like I had EVERYTHING GOING FOR ME…I looked like I might just have a perfect life….but I was hiding a very painful secret….

 It was humiliating and exhausting and horrible, really."

 and my eyes ran with tears because I know this feeling in my own way as we struggle to embrace what it means to live with RAD.

My new favorite person?

It absolutely has got to be Christine Moer.

She is my therapy.  I discovered her through a blog, from a blog.

I watched  Chaos to Healing   last month and lots of her youtube movies since then, and this week I convinced D to watch Chaos to Healing with me. (little victory dance go'in on) :-)

If you have a child of trama in your home (or work with a child(ren) of trama) you will find Christine very encouraging and helpful.  Do yourself and your kids a big favor and check out Chaos to Healing.

I love you Christine!

Hope

Sometimes hope comes in a way(s) that we don't expect....

The good that has been desired and sought, hoped for and followed after, does not come as we expected it to come.
Were we had hoped to be surprised by joy, we are surprised by pain.

I was reminded again today that we haven't been promised an easy path, only a present companion.

 photo courtesy of Keishon

I whisper thank you for His presence, His peace, His unending love, and for Hope.


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, I will hope in him
Romans 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope

Messy Spring Days & Grace Enough For This Moment

Life is rather messy right now.
 It is spring and so much is happening on the farm.

Farm babies and farm & garden projects

 and friends here for days on end,  my relatives here for a week, and then unexpectedly more overnight guests, a school farm tour, a Passover celebration with friends,

 and meat processing and.......

Yes, I am tired. Everything around me is in some level of uproar, or semi to complete disorder and my insides are in just exactly that shape.
Of course, there is the daily dealings with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Our adventures in the last year with RAD are not ones that fit under the heading of "joyous adventures" but they are certainly daily adventures.
The other night I was thinking that this blog address should be scrapped for something a bit less upbeat, and a bit more realistic.  Who knew that one child could so completely turn your life upside down and backwards and inside out.
I keep telling myself desperately that there is hope and it will get better and I keep believing we are making progress.  I begin to really believe myself and then I am slammed back down with a reality check and destruction like a wake following his footsteps and lurking like a shadow in the corners.  Then I am not so sure, but still I think (I hope) we are making progress even if it is 3 steps forward and two steps backward.

Once again, I grab my notebook and I write desperately, listing my thanks, just being grateful, and hanging on to hope.  It gets me through these days.  Small things really, but good things, happy things.

the first yellow iris

foaming white milk

birdsong

a tender embrace from the strong arms of my man

apricot hair lotion and sweet baby curls

blue skies

grace to smile

forgiveness

dark chocolate with currants

a hot shower
mounds of clean laundry fresh from the line

So, I keep counting and it helps, it really does.

Of Valentines Day and a Broken Arm

It's Valentines Day  and I am not making paper heart notes or baking something special for all my men.  Instead, I am waiting in the waiting room of a hospital while my son is wheeled into an operating room and the anesthesia takes over his little body and doctor's work on his arm.  No, this is not exactly what anyone was planning yesterday.

It seems like forever ago, that moment just before 3PM yesterday when I heard him scream and I found him sitting in the driveway holding his arm, the dirt bike lying beside him.

The bike was fine, the boy was not.  Later on while x-rays were being taken Keishon commented that it looked just like a grasshoppers leg complete with a claw for a hand.  It really did look awful and I didn't need the x-rays to confirm that it was broken.  There was no question about whether or not it was broken and that is why we went straight to the orthopedic clinic.  Keishon was so brave and strong. He was in an awful LOT of pain but he was a real little man. Everyone (including me) was totally amazed.

I had hoped they would set it in the doctor's office but they doctor's felt sure it would need a pin and so scheduled surgery.
 We prayed about that and that prayer was answered.  He didn't end up needing a pin and they didn't do surgery like they expected though they were all prepared for it and he still had anesthesia.

We see very little of doctors, or they of us. I should have expected the little trip we had, but I forget just how unusual we really are.
The shocked faces of the nurses and me repeating multiple times, to multiple individuals:

"No, he doesn't have any medical records."
"No, he has never seen a doctor before"
"No, he has never has had medications"
"I don't know if he is allergic/sensitive to any drugs, he hasn't ever had any."
"No, he hasn't ever taken any prescription meds"  (Wait, a second, didn't I already just say this twice a moment ago?)
"No, he hasn't had any immunizations"
"No, none"
"No, We don't have a family doctor"
"That is correct. He has never been to a pediatrician, or family doctor, or a hospital"

The nurse shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I guess he is pretty healthy."  and I almost laugh outloud.

I think it is confirmed, I should get "The World's Weirdest Mom" Prize today.
Seriously, how weird is this mom? I guess he is still alive, right? And, he does seem healthy enough.

Even through his pain Keishon was rather entertained by these conversations and astutely observed that they kept asking the same thing over again.  I explained that they most likely didn't really believe me.  Given his limited world view he wanted to know why they would think he needed to see a doctor before breaking his arm. :-)

And now it is all over.  We are home again, and I am exhausted .

Mr. man is displaying a bright green cast and doing quite well.  He is drinking lots of mullein tea and taking handfuls of Complete Tissue & Bone Formula.  Last night he slept much better and woke up to reclaim his big brother status.

I would like very much to pack up the dirt bikes and send them back to where they came from.  Surprisingly, I am out numbered, none of the men/boys think that this is at all necessary.