Saturday, August 25, 2012

Life - Unedited

This post is going to be one big emotional splat, and splat isn't pretty, (unless you are really into abstract art).
It would be great if I would edit my post, but my life isn't edited right now, and you get this, "As Is".

I am fighting hard each day
 and outside I am doing good, sometimes even really great.
Many times my responses are the kind of thing that shocks even me, in a very good sort of way.
I am handling situations/responses in truly therapeutic fashion.  I haven't raised my voice in weeks, I don't think I have yelled at Anyone for Anything in over three months.  (That is kinda big because all this trauma had made me fall off the calm and controlled wagon for a while.)

That's all great and wonderful! but honestly my life really sucks right now, badly............
 I  am fighting frequent headaches,
and my old stomach pain issues are back to haunt me.
 I cry like nobody's business, and it isn't PMS.

It's STRESS and I don't have any solutions.

I know I need more breaks, but I don't know how to make that happen.
I need more sleep, and I don't know how to make that happen,
and yeah, exercise, too.

In therapy, we are "spinning our wheels" as the therapist so aptly put it.
And naturally, I happen to be getting the majority of the splatter aimed straight at me.
There have been positive things, I grant, though few and far between.

I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP, and my life is not all bad.

I do have so much to be thankful for, and I AM trying to remember this during this tough time.  Excerpts from my grateful list in the past 4 days:

Cool breezes on my face wafting through my window as I write
Embraces from my man that linger and remind me I am loved
Grace to smile with gentle loving eyes in the midst of outrage (I promise that is God, not me)
Tea with cream and honey
Baby lisping brand new words
Bowls of wild muscadines picked by  my freckle faced duet
Quiet moments after 8 or 9PM
A praise CD that draws me to worship
A caring friend who drops of dinner on therapy day
A hot shower
Extra Dark Chocolate by Lindt
A prayer shared over the phone
Sunlight streaming through the screen door
Laughter, and running boy feet pounding through the house
Snuggles with Itty Bit in the early morning hours
Pears, dripping sweet juice
One dish crockpot dinner
A song of grace
An emailed prayer of blessing

Obviously taken during our last respite break, I am not super woman and I don't look that put together everyday.  Except in my dreams, then I have it all together, of course.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012