Saturday, August 25, 2012

Life - Unedited

This post is going to be one big emotional splat, and splat isn't pretty, (unless you are really into abstract art).
It would be great if I would edit my post, but my life isn't edited right now, and you get this, "As Is".

I am fighting hard each day
 and outside I am doing good, sometimes even really great.
Many times my responses are the kind of thing that shocks even me, in a very good sort of way.
I am handling situations/responses in truly therapeutic fashion.  I haven't raised my voice in weeks, I don't think I have yelled at Anyone for Anything in over three months.  (That is kinda big because all this trauma had made me fall off the calm and controlled wagon for a while.)

That's all great and wonderful! but honestly my life really sucks right now, badly............
 I  am fighting frequent headaches,
and my old stomach pain issues are back to haunt me.
 I cry like nobody's business, and it isn't PMS.

It's STRESS and I don't have any solutions.

I know I need more breaks, but I don't know how to make that happen.
I need more sleep, and I don't know how to make that happen,
and yeah, exercise, too.

In therapy, we are "spinning our wheels" as the therapist so aptly put it.
And naturally, I happen to be getting the majority of the splatter aimed straight at me.
There have been positive things, I grant, though few and far between.

I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP, and my life is not all bad.

I do have so much to be thankful for, and I AM trying to remember this during this tough time.  Excerpts from my grateful list in the past 4 days:

Cool breezes on my face wafting through my window as I write
Embraces from my man that linger and remind me I am loved
Grace to smile with gentle loving eyes in the midst of outrage (I promise that is God, not me)
Tea with cream and honey
Baby lisping brand new words
Bowls of wild muscadines picked by  my freckle faced duet
Quiet moments after 8 or 9PM
A praise CD that draws me to worship
A caring friend who drops of dinner on therapy day
A hot shower
Extra Dark Chocolate by Lindt
A prayer shared over the phone
Sunlight streaming through the screen door
Laughter, and running boy feet pounding through the house
Snuggles with Itty Bit in the early morning hours
Pears, dripping sweet juice
One dish crockpot dinner
A song of grace
An emailed prayer of blessing

Obviously taken during our last respite break, I am not super woman and I don't look that put together everyday.  Except in my dreams, then I have it all together, of course.


  1. {praying}
    ... that you would get more sleep, more breaks, more exercise. that the spinning of the wheels would stop and that there would be breakthroughs!- and big ones. that you would get rest from being the one who is getting splat on :( that those within your community would come alongside of you and be the Body of Christ in practical support for you (meals, prayers, a shoulder to cry on, respite, coffee, chocolate, flowers, cards of encouragement).
    ... for wisdom, discernment, strength, and continued praise on your lips.
    (and hooray God for giving you a gentle and quiet spirit! YAY!)

  2. Praying for you, solutions, and breakthroughs.

  3. My dear sis. I think of you much. I have not read your blog for a few weeks because I am not at dad n moms very much, and have very limited data. But I do want you to know that I love you ever so much, and continue to pray for you. I wish there could be a way for me to come and be your house maid for a few weeks.... Right now I am mommying Justin until Joyce is back on her feet. I love you! I wish I was able to divide myself and help all my siblings at once. Keep looking to God for strength, and always remember that you are loved.

  4. Like Carol, I have very limited data, and so I can only comment when I come to town. I wanted you to know that I am praying very often. I just ask the Lord that you two will have the wisdom and direction to do what is best for ALL involved. My heart aches because I do understand, the pain, the hope, the work...

    Also...I wanted you to know that on Sept. 1 our family always remembers your beloved brother Paul. We will never forget the horrible moment when we heard he was gone. We miss his bright smile.

  5. Leann,
    Hi, I'm Duane's cousin. We too have built/are building our family through adoption. My aunts were together this week and my mom gave me a tiny piece of your story.
    My prayers for you and Duane. I am wishing there was an easy way to explain RAD, attachment, attachment difficulties to people who have never dreamed there is such a thing.
    I will have to take time and read back over your blog, but it probably won't be any time soon. I just bought the plane tickets to go and meet/adopt our newest daughter. She is two. Life could be very interesting over the next few months and years. Go ahead and visit my blog

  6. Thinking of you and praying for you all!



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