I was reading some blogs this afternoon, trying to regain some sanity and I found this blog, and wow did it speak to me.
"I will never forget the day when my child completely destroyed the house (like she did almost daily sometimes in our first two years together), but on this day, one of the things she threw was a snow globe that I knew I should have long put away. It was important to me though, and I just couldn't box it up. There it was shattered on the floor - glitter, liquid, and mini shards of glass everywhere. I sat slumped in a corner of my living room. I didn't cry. I was too spent to cry. I looked around at my house and could not believe how I had become accustomed to living. I felt very, very alone. I don't remember how it unfolded exactly - if I called one of my friends or if they called me or maybe they just showed up. What I do remember is sitting there on the floor feeling awful when two of my closest friends came in the door carrying groceries for me. Their kindness overwhelmed me, and I didn't even know what to say. I had not lost my friends.
I was so embarrassed to have them in my house right then though - for them to see the level of destruction and aggression that had become my norm..................................
.....................We protect ourselves due to shame, and it stops us from being vulnerable. Yet, it's vulnerability that brings us closer to one another. It deepens our relationships and lessens our shame when we are accepted, understood, and treated with care. I don't know about you, but vulnerability, when the other reaches back to us with kindness, is one of those things that gives me goosebumps! It is worth it!"
It's true, it is super hard for me to crack open the reality of our lives and how not perfect things really are, partly because my shattered dreams are hard for me to embrace. Anyway, her blog led me to another blog and a post called We Must See Past What It Seems.
Here is just a tiny snippet,
"I had faith that someday he would recover….but man oh man it was lonely…I wished every single day that I could just walk around with a sign like this….
….because on the outside…I looked like I had EVERYTHING GOING FOR ME…I looked like I might just have a perfect life….but I was hiding a very painful secret….
It was humiliating and exhausting and horrible, really."
and my eyes ran with tears because I know this feeling in my own way as we struggle to embrace what it means to live with RAD.