Wordless Wednesday

A Breakthrough/Revelation

I have worked toward this moment for months and months,

and now it has come and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer pain of it all.

Shocked beyond belief and exhausted with the mental overload.

I have hoped that one day he would open up his heart.
One day he would trust me enough to share his fears,
to tell me his nightmares
to talk about his life before our family.


Now, I hold him in my arms like a baby,

He tells me about his life before he came home with us and his body shakes with sobs as his story of brokeness is finally spilled out.

Piece by piece the puzzle is fitted together before my eyes, and the stark and chilling reality is more than I can bear.

Again and again, I whisper my love and acknowledge the pain and the sobbing subsides and all is quiet for a moment and I think I have heard the worst.

More shaking sobs

More fear

More pain

More suffering

It is too much,

too awful,

too heartrending.

Tears fill my eyes and my mind flits back across the years to days when I curled up quietly in a corner reading

"Dori, the Girl Nobody Loved" -Doris VanStone
and
"Wednesday's Child" - Shane Dunphey

I remember this same feeling, I remember thinking, "I wish I could help a child like this".

I never knew that thought would bring me here, and suddenly I feel so selfish for all those times I was sure I just couldn't do this anymore.  What is my misery compared to this....

If only I had known.....

I find myself tormented with so many memories of incidents and times

if I had known................... I would have been more compassionate
I would have held more.............. reassured more,
I would have been more patient....................more gentle..................

I didn't know,
I couldn't know.

Why?
If only I had known................

Slowly it dawns on me............IF I had known,
 if we had really known the whole package and the whole story of this broken little life..... We would have been afraid and unsure.  God knew, He knew all of it.

Today my husband whispered, "Why?  Why did God think we could handle this?"  and I touched his cheek and said, "Cause God knows things that we don't know".

There is a lot that we don't know, a lot that I don't know.  I don't feel equal to the job that lies before me, I don't feel good enough or patient enough.  Surely, there is someone out there with less on their plate who is also better equipped to work through these very difficult things and facilitate healing.

My head splits with a pounding headache

I take a deep breathe

Trying to focus on God

Trying to be still before Him


Trying to remember that He is the healer, not me,
He turns the ashes of life into beauty, not me,
He is the God that binds up the broken, not me.

And yes, He does know things that I don't know and for some unknown reason He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He has given this life to me, trusted me to be His hands, trusted me that I would allow Him to use me in this little life.

But will you pray, please?  Will you pray for our precious son that God will bind up his wounds, and heal his heart?  Will you pray for us, for wisdom, patience, understanding far beyond our years? For mercy and compassion and strength?

Top Ten Reasons I Love My Life

 I am privileged right now to live this life that I have been given.  In no particular order, here are my top ten reasons for loving this crazy life.

1. Cooking daily with super fresh and healthy ingredients straight from our very own farm.
2. Being married to my best friend for 10 years and we are still best friends.
3. Hearing night noises- cicadas, crickets and other night insects/creatures that sing to me each night, just like they did in my childhood home. I can hear them outside my window as I write.
4. Being with everyone in this family all day, every single day (sometimes this drives me crazy, too)
5. Seeing new life over and over. Just this morning I watched the awe in my children's eyes as they gazed at seven brand new tiny little baby bunnies nestled in a soft nest of rabbit fur. 
6. Learning with my kids and reading so many great books together. 
7. Living within our means and without debt - this is freedom.
8. Itty Bits and her soft baby cheeks to snuggle and kiss
9. Three wonderful, dirty, energetic, growing, loud, creative boys to keep my from learning the meaning of boredom and loneliness.
10. The sense of God's presence in and through my most difficult days. He IS a Good God!

The Perfect Peanut Butter Muffin

The quest for "The Perfect Peanut Butter Muffin"  has ended, and  I am thrilled to share this fabulous recipe with you.

 If you have any peanut butter fans in your home, you simply MUST make these wonderful little gems.  They are super moist, and possibly even better after they have been around for a day.  This is passing awesome if you are a super busy mom, like me!!!  

The male populace here has not complained  about all the test tasting, as I searched for  Peanut Butter Perfection.

Peanut Butter does not happen to be one of my favorite ingredients, but in this home I am out numbered 5 to 1.
EVERYONE else  (and I mean every single person, even down to the little Itty Bitty) adores peanut butter.
The concept of a Peanut Butter Muffin is lovely because it packs some extra protein and nutrients and makes it perfect for a quick breakfast. I was amazed how hard it was to actually fill all my requirements and come up with a truly wonderful muffin.

My requirements include:

• Freshly ground, Whole Grains
• Raw Sweetener
• Natural Peanut Butter
• Healthy Oils/Fats

 I made more than a few muffins.

• Too dense.
• Too dry.
• Too crumbly

Like these peanut butter muffins pictured below.

Uggh! they look exactly as crumbly as they were.  But they were not wasted. The men just poured milk on them and asked for more.

I finally created my own recipe, an adaptation/combinatioin of several recipes that I found online.  The hardest part was the whole grains which tended, when combined with the peanut butter, to make the muffin dry and crumbly.  These are most certainly anything but dry, and even I (the non-peanut butter fan) will eat one of these muffins with  pleasure.

If you are struck with the unaccountable urge for some peanut butter in you life..  These muffins just might be what your looking for.

Perfect Peanut Butter Muffins

In a large bowl combine:

• 1 1/2 cups freshly milled Whole Wheat Flour - (preferably soft white wheat, finely ground a.k.a. Pastry Flour)
• 1 cup unbleached white flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 2 tsp. cream of tartar
• 1/2 tsp Sea Salt or Real Salt
• 1 1/2 c. Raw Sugar (Demerara, Turbinado, or Sucanat), Brown Sugar could be substituted.

In another medium sized bowl wisk together:

• 1/2 cup applesauce -( I may try adding 1/2 cup of mashed banana and see how that works)
• 1/2 cup oil (coconut/ sunflower/or palm oil) or whatever you normally use.
• 1 cup All Natural Peanut Butter - crunchy peanut butter is nice, but smooth is fine
• 2 eggs -Free Range is my choice, naturally
• 1 1/2 cups Raw Milk (we use our own fresh goat milk)
• 1 tsp Pure Vanilla Extract

Make an indentation in the flour bowl and pour in the wet ingredients and if desired add:

• 1 cup mini choc chips (optional)

Gently stir both mixtures together just until combined, using a gentle folding motion.  Do NOT over stir, or your muffin crumb will be dryer and more crumbly.

Spoon into muffin tins that have been sprayed with non-stick spray or lined with cupcake papers.  An icecream scoop works nicely for even proportions.  This is exactly the right amount of batter for 24 muffins.  These muffins do not rise as much as some muffins and you need not be alarmed at the rather full tins.  

Bake at 350 until set, which I believe is about 20 min but I will be honest and tell you that I have yet to time them.  I am so sorry.  I Always forget to time and just check them "at the right time".  So maybe set your timer for 15 min and then keep checking them until they are set and no longer soft in the center.  Then do me a favor and leave a comment and let me know how long that was for you. Grins.

Enjoy! 

If you like peanut butter, you might also love Peanut Butter Granola Clusters.

Finally....A Name for the Farm

Several months ago, I wrote A Farmette in Need of a Name.  This month we have finally named our farm and opened a new blog, Farrago Acres, for all my agrarian posts.  I will still be posting here. This blog will be dedicated to the more personal posts and family related topics.

Chaos & Sanity

It's been a lot of managed chaos in my corner of the world.

On most days  I am okay with this, actually great with the whole deal....

 But there are times when I am completely and totally overwhelmed.

  I really do Love my life, my husband, my kids, homeschooling, our friends, cooking, gardening....

Yet there are moments when I really just want to run away and hide.  Moments when I feel that I absolutely just can't do this anymore.

But I know I can, and of course I will.  Do you have times like this? and just exactly how do you stay sane?