A Breakthrough/Revelation

I have worked toward this moment for months and months,

and now it has come and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer pain of it all.

Shocked beyond belief and exhausted with the mental overload.

I have hoped that one day he would open up his heart.
One day he would trust me enough to share his fears,
to tell me his nightmares
to talk about his life before our family.


Now, I hold him in my arms like a baby,

He tells me about his life before he came home with us and his body shakes with sobs as his story of brokeness is finally spilled out.

Piece by piece the puzzle is fitted together before my eyes, and the stark and chilling reality is more than I can bear.

Again and again, I whisper my love and acknowledge the pain and the sobbing subsides and all is quiet for a moment and I think I have heard the worst.

More shaking sobs

More fear

More pain

More suffering

It is too much,

too awful,

too heartrending.

Tears fill my eyes and my mind flits back across the years to days when I curled up quietly in a corner reading

"Dori, the Girl Nobody Loved" -Doris VanStone
and
"Wednesday's Child" - Shane Dunphey

I remember this same feeling, I remember thinking, "I wish I could help a child like this".

I never knew that thought would bring me here, and suddenly I feel so selfish for all those times I was sure I just couldn't do this anymore.  What is my misery compared to this....

If only I had known.....

I find myself tormented with so many memories of incidents and times

if I had known................... I would have been more compassionate
I would have held more.............. reassured more,
I would have been more patient....................more gentle..................

I didn't know,
I couldn't know.

Why?
If only I had known................

Slowly it dawns on me............IF I had known,
 if we had really known the whole package and the whole story of this broken little life..... We would have been afraid and unsure.  God knew, He knew all of it.

Today my husband whispered, "Why?  Why did God think we could handle this?"  and I touched his cheek and said, "Cause God knows things that we don't know".

There is a lot that we don't know, a lot that I don't know.  I don't feel equal to the job that lies before me, I don't feel good enough or patient enough.  Surely, there is someone out there with less on their plate who is also better equipped to work through these very difficult things and facilitate healing.

My head splits with a pounding headache

I take a deep breathe

Trying to focus on God

Trying to be still before Him


Trying to remember that He is the healer, not me,
He turns the ashes of life into beauty, not me,
He is the God that binds up the broken, not me.

And yes, He does know things that I don't know and for some unknown reason He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He has given this life to me, trusted me to be His hands, trusted me that I would allow Him to use me in this little life.

But will you pray, please?  Will you pray for our precious son that God will bind up his wounds, and heal his heart?  Will you pray for us, for wisdom, patience, understanding far beyond our years? For mercy and compassion and strength?