Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Breakthrough/Revelation

I have worked toward this moment for months and months,

and now it has come and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer pain of it all.

Shocked beyond belief and exhausted with the mental overload.

I have hoped that one day he would open up his heart.
One day he would trust me enough to share his fears,
to tell me his nightmares
to talk about his life before our family.


Now, I hold him in my arms like a baby,

He tells me about his life before he came home with us and his body shakes with sobs as his story of brokeness is finally spilled out.

Piece by piece the puzzle is fitted together before my eyes, and the stark and chilling reality is more than I can bear.

Again and again, I whisper my love and acknowledge the pain and the sobbing subsides and all is quiet for a moment and I think I have heard the worst.

More shaking sobs

More fear

More pain

More suffering

It is too much,

too awful,

too heartrending.

Tears fill my eyes and my mind flits back across the years to days when I curled up quietly in a corner reading

"Dori, the Girl Nobody Loved" -Doris VanStone
and
"Wednesday's Child" - Shane Dunphey

I remember this same feeling, I remember thinking, "I wish I could help a child like this".

I never knew that thought would bring me here, and suddenly I feel so selfish for all those times I was sure I just couldn't do this anymore.  What is my misery compared to this....

If only I had known.....

I find myself tormented with so many memories of incidents and times

if I had known................... I would have been more compassionate
I would have held more.............. reassured more,
I would have been more patient....................more gentle..................

I didn't know,
I couldn't know.

Why?
If only I had known................

Slowly it dawns on me............IF I had known,
 if we had really known the whole package and the whole story of this broken little life..... We would have been afraid and unsure.  God knew, He knew all of it.

Today my husband whispered, "Why?  Why did God think we could handle this?"  and I touched his cheek and said, "Cause God knows things that we don't know".

There is a lot that we don't know, a lot that I don't know.  I don't feel equal to the job that lies before me, I don't feel good enough or patient enough.  Surely, there is someone out there with less on their plate who is also better equipped to work through these very difficult things and facilitate healing.

My head splits with a pounding headache

I take a deep breathe

Trying to focus on God

Trying to be still before Him


Trying to remember that He is the healer, not me,
He turns the ashes of life into beauty, not me,
He is the God that binds up the broken, not me.

And yes, He does know things that I don't know and for some unknown reason He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He has given this life to me, trusted me to be His hands, trusted me that I would allow Him to use me in this little life.

But will you pray, please?  Will you pray for our precious son that God will bind up his wounds, and heal his heart?  Will you pray for us, for wisdom, patience, understanding far beyond our years? For mercy and compassion and strength?

11 comments:

  1. Yes. I will pray.

    It's so powerful, this: that he trusted you and felt secure enough to share it with you. Healing will come. Nothing is too big, too painful, too awful for God to redeem.

    I'm so proud of you, LeAnn, for your perseverance.

    May God give you wisdom beyond your years. You are not in over your head. Don't believe that for a second. God chose YOU. And God will lead YOU.

    ((hugs))

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  2. Prayers are being sent your way! And best wishes for a delightful birthday! Been thinking of you so much!!! Much love and a big cyber hug!

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  3. Sometimes all we can do is cry the prayer of the ancient Church… The Kyrie.

    Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.

    One of our favorite hymns…

    Kyrie, God Father in heaven above,
    You abound in gracious love,
    Of all things the maker and preserver.
    Eleison (have mercy), eleison!
    Kyrie, O Christ, our king,
    Salvation for all you came to bring.
    O Lord Jesus, God’s own Son,
    Our mediator at the heavenly throne,
    Hear our cry and grant our supplication.
    Eleison, eleison!
    Kyrie, O God the Holy Ghost,
    Guard our faith, the gift we need the most,
    Eleison, eleison!

    You and your precious family are in my prayers my dear friend.

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  4. Thank you to each of you dear friends who posted a comment to let me know you are praying and to encourage me as well.

    I am so privilege to have you each as a friend.

    Thank you also to those who called or emailed me.

    I feel loved and supported and I am so grateful!

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  5. Eric & Andrea WengerNovember 28, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    Wow. God bless you guys as you rely on Him to nurture and love through you. I know you are wonderful parents and God will show each step of the way to healing. I have enjoyed your blog so much and gain wisdom and ideas from another mom with a houseful of boys. We have 4 boys now! Glad you got your cute sweet girl. Will be praying for you as I think of you. Love to you and yours, Andrea Wenger

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  6. Ann,
    I just want to let you know I am praying for you...that God will give you wisdom and patience to walk through all He has in store for you. Keep looking up, you have a faithful Father in Heaven to help you through anything you face. Love ya! Your little sis Carol

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  7. praying and thanking God for revelation and breakthrough!

    He is in the midst of all of this and He will lead you down roads of righteousness for His Namesake. Believing it and embracing it with you.

    Freedom for your wee one is coming (and for you too!)

    Kimmie
    mama to 8
    one homemade and 7 adopted

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  8. We will be praying for you. My heart cries too at how much pain was inflicted on such a tiny, precious, innocent life. May God bless you with wisdom that only comes from Him. ~Laura B.

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  9. Praying for you this morning. God can heal the deepest wounds. Even ones we cannot even see. The ones that bind emotionally and we don't even know it.

    Praying for you and your dear son.

    ~Cinnamon

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  10. My eyes fill with tears as I read your post. I recall our conversations and the hope I felt in my heart as we talked. Of course I didn't know when the breakthrough would come, but I believed it would. Continue to love, assure, and comfort. I will be praying for you and my nephew.... Love you. Krista B.

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  11. I have some how ended up on your beautiful little blog, and although I don't know you. I suddenly feel like I do!
    You are a wonderful human being, and you are doing things that I can only hope to be brave enough to do!
    Blessings,
    Camilla

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